Star Trek Voyager: The Musical Revamped Again!
by Drayk
Summary: In a universe gone mad, something is affecting the crew and making them sing. A Lot. What happens? Read to find out! Thanks to my reviewers. Perhaps I shall post more.
1. Two Hour Pilot

Star Trek: Voyager

The Musical

DISCLAIMER: I do not own anybody here. I do not own Star Trek or South Park in any way, shape, or form. Well, I do have a uniform, two pairs of combadge earrings, a bag of Cheetos the word "Cheetos" replaced with the words "Cheesy Poofs" and a fish named Cartman. I really don't hate Canadians (just Anne Murray) and did kind of steal that song from South Park. But the Star Trek songs I wrote myself. Once again, I DO NOT OWN ANYTHING BESIDES THE SONGS!!! ALL PRAISE TPTBP!!! NO, DON'T GET THE CATTLE PROD OUT! I REMEMBERED THE WORDS! NO, NOT THE CATTLE PROD! And, yes, I do know this was posted out of season. Christmas in July, anybody? Rather A/U.

(We go to the bridge where HARRY KIM, TOM PARIS, TUVOK, and a couple of RANDOM RED/GOLD SHIRTED ENSIGNS are in their positions. THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY are missing.)

HARRY KIM: Where's Mom-the Captain?

TOM PARIS: Come to think of it, where's Chakotay? (Snickers)

HARRY KIM: What's so funny, Tom? If you don't tell me, I'm telling Mo-the Captain!

TUVOK: Your thought patterns are illogical, Mr. Paris. The Captain would never do-

(He is interrupted by the breathless entrance of THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY. They are disheveled, and their rank pins are wrong{She has his and vice versa} They sit down.)  
THE CAPTAIN-Sorry we're late, we had to finish some, um, ah,

CHAKOTAY- Performance Reviews! Yeah, that's it, Performance Reviews.

TOM PARIS- Yeah, right. (TOM PARIS begins to sing.)

I saw Janeway kissing her X.O.

Right outside the ready room last night.

It was graveyard shift on Deck One,

I popped in for some fun,

And lo and behold,

Something you won't see on our show.

I thought that it never end

It seemed to go on and on, that's right.

Now I know I shouldn't talk,   
But it gave me quite a fright,

When I saw J and C making out last night!

CHAKOTAY: No, you didn't.__

JANEWAY: Do shut up.

CHAKOTAY: (Pulls out phaser and fires. He misses TOM PARIS, who ducks, and hits the first RANDOM RED SHIRTED ENSIGN.) Oops.

HARRY KIM: Captain, sensors have detected a wormhole leading to the Alpha Quadrant!

THE CAPTAIN: (In a patronizing tone of voice) Good boy, Harry, where is it?

HARRY KIM: About half a light-year from here.

THE CAPTAIN: You're joking.

HARRY KIM: No, really! (HARRY KIM jumps up and begins to sing.)

Almost heaven,

Alpha Quadrant,

Neutral zone fights,

Klingons rage and rant.

Life's easy there, no Borg or Heirogen, no Kazon to rob us, no Vidiaans to take our skins. Mr. Wormhole,

TOM PARIS: (Spoken) _Mr. Wormhole?_

HARRY KIM: Take us home, to the place,

We belong.

Planet Earth,

Alpha Quadrant,

Take us home,

Wo-rmhole.

I hear at nights,

Subspace transmissions from heaven.

All the pictures on the walls

Remind me of

My home

Far away.

And flying Delta space,

I get a feeling that I should've never

Left at all.

Left at all.

Mr. Wormhole,

Take us home,

To the place,

We belong.

Planet Earth,

Alpha Quadrant,

Take us home,

Wo-rmhole.

Mr. Wormhole,

Take us home,

To the place,

We belong.

Planet Earth,

Alpha Quadrant,

Take us home,

Wo-rmhole.

(All of a sudden, a red light by HARRY KIM'S console blinks)

HARRY KIM- (mumbles)

THE CAPTAIN- What, Harry? What do you mean, It's a fake! Are our sensors screwed over again? Well, don't be an idiot, call Be'lanna!

HARRY KIM- (mumbles)

THE CAPTAIN_-_ What do you mean, the comm system's down again? Alright, what did I tell you about those buttons!?! YOU DON'T PRESS THEM!! Bad Harry, bad Harry! Aw, crap! Continue on the regular course, Mr. Paris.

(HARRY KIM'S console explodes.) And take Harry to Sick Bay.

TOM PARIS- What's the point? He'll just keep dying again and again and again and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and aga-

CHAKOTAY: ENOUGH! Just take him to Sick Bay!

TOM PARIS: Alright, alright, already. (He picks up HARRY KIM and drags him off the bridge

Sick Bay. THE DOCTOR is at his desk. When TOM PARIS and HARY KIM enter, klaxons go off and music starts

THE DOCTOR: Unda, gleeten, glauben, globen.

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: (Lifts his head) Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

I swear it wasn't me, I do not know,

I can explain!

(Bridge)

TUVOK: Un, deaux, trois, quatre, cinque, cinque, seix!

CHAKOTAY: You know it's kind of hard to live on Voyager today,

We're falling apart and home is seven years away.

Now what could make it worse,

What could make our lives more hell?

Well, he's smarter than leola, but still dumber than Chell!

(Spoken) What the hell am I doing? Oh, that's right. Sorry, Mr. Teleprompter Man! I know my stupid lines aren't your fault. They're the fault of some fourteen-year-old kid on a caffeine high at two in the morning! Hey, don't hit me with that! Hey!

(Sick Bay)

TOM PARIS: We're all gonna die,

Have you seen this guy?

He's the Captain's pet,

And he still can't get it right.

Giving Seven heck,

In astrometrics,

He's there all day,

He's there all day,

And he just won't die,

Yeah, just comes back to life,

Even though we've tried,

He will never say good bye.

But the ship needs idiots,

So, hey, say hi to Harry Kim!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

I swear it wasn't me, I do not know,

I can explain!

(Engineering)

BE'LANNA TORRES: Now he needs to find a girlfriend,

Not just any will suffice,

He's looking for a vampire,

Or a Borg whose heart is ice.

He never will find one,

Who likes him as he is,

But like he said about the dead chick,

It's none of my biz!

(Tri-scene)

CHAKOTAY, TOM PARIS, and BE'LANNA TORRES: We're all gonna die,

Have you seen this guy?

He's the Captain's pet,

And he still can't get it right.

Giving Seven heck,

In astrometrics,

He's there all day,

He's there all day,

And he just won't die,

Yeah, just comes back to life,

Even though we've tried,

He will never say good bye.

But the ship needs idiots,

So, hey, say hi to Harry Kim!

(Space)

Q and Q2(Q2 is optional): When he's working on the bridge,

Now that you should see,

Nine times out of ten he's on

Exploding console duty.

When they rush him down to Sickbay,

And the Doctor says he's dead,

They just give him 'bout one second 'till he starts to lift his head.

Q: (SPOKEN) Hey, why am I singing? I don't sing!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

COMPUTER: Warning: Self-Destruct!

HARRY KIM: Oh crap, oh crap!

I swear it wasn't me, I do not know,

I can explain!

ALL PREVIOUS SINGERS MINUS HARRY KIM: He's not doin' well,

The ship is goin' to hell,

Red-shirt ensign,

Harry, does that ring a bell.

He really should die,

He isn't a useful guy,

Just shoot him now,

Just shoot him now.

He tries to call the shots,

We really hate him lots,

He's a little p'taq,

And on top of that a snot.

But the ship needs idiots,

Yeah, Voyager loves an idiot,

So let's get our little idiot,

And hey, say hi to Harry Kim!

THE DOCTOR: (Emerges from office) Now that that's over with, please let me revive Harry. (Goes over to table, where HARRY KIM is laying) Exploding console?

TOM PARIS: (Nods.)

THE DOCTOR: (Gives HARRY KIM a HYPOSPRAY. HARRY KIM wakes up.)


	2. Exciting News

Theme song is heard.

"CHRISTMAS IN THE DELTA QUADRANT"

VOICE OF THE NARRATOR (VOTN) : 'Twas fourteen days before Christmas, and all through the ship, Seven of Nine was firing off her lips…

A corridor. SEVEN OF NINE is caroling through the halls. She is wearing her cat suit, with a Santa Clause hat. The suit is red this time. Everyone's name in candy canes is above their door. She pauses outside a door reading CAPTAIN JANEWAY: KEEP OUT. We never learn exactly what the asterisk means. She rings the bell, and begins to sing.

SEVEN OF NINE: Oh, the conditions of the atmosphere outside of the room is not cooperating, but the flames at the region of the room called the hearth and or fireplace are quite en-AAAH!!!

THE CAPTAIN: (Wearing pajamas, opens door, sees who it is, and grabs her Photon Burst Rifle. It is above the door. She attacks once, twice. There is a burn mark on the wall. That is all that remains of that evil, no bien, mal, perra SEVEN OF NINE. THE CAPTAIN goes back inside. A HAND covers the camera, and the mike. We skew to Engineering, where BE'LANNA TORRES is obviously giving TOM PARIS an early Christmas present at her upper workstation.)

VOICE OF THE NARRATOR: AAAH!!!!!!!!!

(Skew to holodeck)  
VOTN:AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! GOD, IT'S NO MMMKAYING FAIR!!!!!!!  
(Skew to a sign that says, TWO DAYS LATER………….)

_(Ready room. THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY are having coffee. There is a really kitschy recording going)  
_BING CROSBY:Oh, the weather outside is frightful,

But the holodeck's so delightful.

And even though it sets E.V. controls to "Warm,"

Let it ion storm, let it ion storm, let it ion storm.

Oh, it doesn't show signs of stopping,

And I replicated some corn for popping.

And if we don't get attacked by Borg,

Let it ion storm, let it ion storm, let it ion storm.

If I I'm on an away team tonight,

I'll hate being transported in the storm.

'Cause if Mulcahey screws up one little thing,

My molecular patterns will be torn.

Well, the bombardment is slowly dying,

And I'm afraid we're still good-bye-ing

The power is coming back on,

But let it ion storm, let it ion storm, let it ion storm.

THE CAPTAIN: Ugh, who the heck recorded this? It sounds like that time we gave Neelix the power razor.

CHAKOTAY: Well, at least our power didn't go out.

THE CAPTAIN: Probably a good thing. After all, I'm

BOTH AT THE SAME TIME: Stranded in the Delta Quadrant with the only Indian in the universe who can't start a fire by rubbing two sticks together! (They collapse into a laughing fit.)

THE CAPTAIN: By the way, what did your father tell you about that whole hair thing? Hair has magical spirit powers that make it burst into flame? Or is it just reddish hair? Is it because it's auburn that the fire didn't get very big?  
CHAKOTAY: (Blushing) Actually, it was, Hairspray's VERY flammable, son. Don't travel anywhere without it.

THE CAPTAIN: (Punches him lightly. He acts as if it was a hard punch, and they collapse laughing again. They start getting closer, and this looks as if it's going in the right direction. He's got her face, and they're about to make out, when suddenly, BE'LANNA TORRES bursts in. She is obviously excited about something.)

BE'LANNA TORRES: Neelix is dead!!


	3. Heck for My Spell Checker

(Mess Hall. Neelix's body is in a torpedo casing. He is D-E-A-D dead. THE CAPTAIN is giving his eulogy. KES is here for the funeral.)

THE CAPTAIN: What can I say about Neelix? He was annoying, stupid, straight as a rainbow,

HARRY KIM: (Whispering over her) Hey, Tom, what's "straight as a rainbow?"  
TOM PARIS: (Also whispering) It's what Mr. Garrison is.

HARRY KIM: (Still whispering) Oh. (No longer whispering) EWW! He liked MEN?

THE CAPTAIN: (Not noticing) Oh, yeah, he was a SUCKY cook too. So, on behalf of Neelix, who's up for dumping him in the warp core?!?!  
ENTIRE CAST, NARRATOR, FILM PEOPLE, AUDIENCE, CANADIANS THAT WILL BE BLAMED LATER, WHOLE WORLD minus KES and NEELIX: YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THE CAPTAIN: Be'lanna, take him away!

(BE'LANNA TORRES and a few GOLD SHIRTS pick up the casing and take it to engineering. We follow them to the top level, where we see them dump Neelix into the warp core. Immense cheering. BE'LANNA TORRES stands on something and breaks into song. The author's band is there, backing her up.

BE'LANNA TORRES: Not so long ago,

I can still remember how his food

Used to make us hurl.

And I knew if they had their chance,

Someone else could make our taste buds dance,

And maybe could keep this crew alive.

That day brought a happy shiver,

With each PADD I'd deliver,

Great news on the doorstep.

I skipped when I took more steps.

I think the only time I (Fake)cried was when

I talked to his love child of his would-be bride.

Something made me sing inside

The day

That Neelix

Died.

Bye, bye, leola root pies.

Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.

Make sure he has died.

I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye,

And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,

This'll be the day we don't die."

TOM PARIS: Wow, she never does this. She must be really excited.

BE'LANNA TORRES: (cont.) Did you know he had a book 

Called A Million Ways to Cook Leola Root?

We threw it in the warp core.

But he knew it all by heart, it's true

And the ones who suffered most are me and you.

I visited Sick Bay more and more.

I was a grossed-out Klingon and an ex-Maquis

The Tribble fur on his face made me sneeze.

I thanked the heavens on my knees

The day

That Neelix

Died.

We were singin' it

Bye, bye, leola root pies.

Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.

Make sure he has died.

I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye,

And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,

This'll be the day we don't die."

Helter skelter, hot like summer swelter,

It was so spicy, we needed a fallout shelter

To protect us from the heat!

Talaxian spices are the worst.

But when you're out of rations, you just pray it won't hurt.

He was annoyingly cheerful, in a big way.

It still makes my head hurt to this day.

I let out a shout and said, "Hooray!"

The day

That Neelix

Died.

So

Bye, bye, leola root pies.

Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.

Make sure he has died.

I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye

And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,

This'll be the day we don't die."

Yo-ou know what Kes would do

If she heard one word of this tune.

I really don't like to dwell.

She'd get mad and blow me up,

Just like she did to that teacup,

And almost to Tuvok's Vulcan face,

She's probably ripped a hole in space,

Thank Kah'less she too's left the rat race

And before

That Neelix

Died.

(At this, KES throws herself in the core.)  
BE'LANNA TORRES: (Shrugs) Oh, well. More fuel! (Continues with song.)

We were singin'

Bye, bye, leola root pies.

Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.

Make sure he has died.

I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye

And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,

This'll be the day we don't die."

I met a guy singin' the blues,

And asked him for the sad news.

But he just sobbed and turned away.

I just don't get why they all cried.

Because I thought that it was prime

The day

That Neelix

Died.

So bye, bye, leola root pies.

Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.

Make sure he has died.

I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye

And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,

This'll be the day we don't die."

We were singin' it,

Bye, bye, leola root pies.

Take his corpse down to Sick Bay.

Make sure he has died.

I caught Harry drinking Romulan rye

And singin', "This'll be the day we don't die,

This'll be the day we don't die."

(IMMENSE CHEERING WHEN SHE FINISHES)  
BE'LANNA TORRES: GO TO GRE'THOR, NEELIX!!! FEK'LEHR IS WAITING!!!!!!!!!!!!

(Skew to the Bridge. THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY are the only ones there. When the camera sees them, they are talking about something.)

THE CAPTAIN: Problem is, we don't have a cook.

CHAKOTAY: Seven can cook.

THE CAPTAIN: No, she can't. Unless little piles of ashes can cook. Remember two days ago? The photon burst?

CHAKOTAY: I forgot about that. What about, hm, I guess everybody is being used for something.

THE CAPTAIN: You thinking what I'm thinking?  
CHAKOTAY: The ready room!?!

THE CAPTAIN: That comes later.

CHAKOTAY: Oh, right! AWAY MISSION!!! I love forcing indigenous life forms into slavery! Just like Neelix, and those Borg. But doesn't that violate the Prime Directive?  
THE CAPTAIN: Screw it.

(TOM PARIS walks in.)  
TOM PARIS: Screw what?

CHAKOTAY: Yourself.

TOM PARIS: Oh, okay.

THE CAPTAIN: Go back to your quarters, Tom. Chakotay, get a team.

CHAKOTAY: Harry, Be'lanna, and us?  
THE CAPTAIN: That'll do. We leave at 1600 hours.

CHAKOTAY: When is that?

THE CAPTAIN: I really don't know.

TVOTN: It's four o'clock in the afternoon, you two.

THE CAPTAIN: Thanks, Jim.

TVOTN: You're welcome. My name is Cato.

THE CAPTAIN: Whatever, Jim. Anyway, Chak, go find you team and tell them to meet us in Transporter Room 1 at 1600 hours.

CHAKOTAY: Will do.

(CHAKOTAY gets up and leaves; THE CAPTAIN gets up and gets coffee.)

VOTN: Hey, share?

THE CAPTAIN: No way. Jim, you're dismissed. That's a Starfleet expression for get out.

VOTN: One, my name isn't Jim. Two, I'm a disembodied voice from the heavens, so I can't leave. Three: Share?

THE CAPTAIN: NO!!!


	4. Transporter Man Sings

(1600 Hours. HARRY KIM, BE'LANNA TORRES. CHAKOTAY, and THE CAPTAIN are in Transporter Room One. ENSIGN MULCHAEY is in there, working the controls.

THE CAPTAIN: Ensign, beam us to these coordinates.

ENSIGN MULCHAEY: Will do.

(Everyone except ENSIGN MULCHAEY steps onto the transporter pad. TOM PARIS rushes in.)  
TOM PARIS: Wait! Be'lanna! Don't go! I need you!

BE'LANNA TORRES: Tom, it's only a simple away mission. No biggie. I'll be gone an hour, no more probably. Relax.

TOM PARIS: Goodbye kiss?

BE'LANNA TORRES: (Sighs) Come here.

(They begin to kiss, passionately. Catching the disgusted look from the command team, TOM PARIS begins to gripe.)

TOM PARIS: What, don't tell me you two don't do this! And at least we're married!

THE CAPTAIN: (Under her breath) Not in public. (Out loud) Of course not. Our relationship is platonic, and need I mention, professional. Nothing more.

CHAKOTAY: That's right. Mulchaey, beam us out as soon as Helmboy here leaves.

BE'LANNA TORRES: Tommy, you need to get off the pad now.

(TOM PARIS gets off the transporter pad and leaves. The away team beams out. After away team beams out, TOM PARIS leaves.)

ENSIGN MULCHAEY: My job sucks. I'm stuck here all day, beaming people in and out. But do I ever get to go anywhere? No.

TVOTN: Sounds like my job. I don't get to do anything, either. Your life sounds a lot like mine. At least you have corporeal form.

ENSIGN MULCHAEY: Tell me about it. I got so bored one day, I started singing. And I'm not the only one.

TVOTN: That song, can I hear it?

ENSIGN MULCHAEY_: _Well, you already know it. It goes something like this.(Clears throat and sings.)

It's 1300 hours on a Saturday,

Regular crowd waltzes in.   
It's Chakotay, Be'lanna, and Captain J., and that son of a targ Harry Kim.

Kate says, "Crewman, beam us to these coordinates,

We need to pick up more fuel.

Mulchaey, don't you screw up our patterns now,

But if you kill Harry, that would be cool."

Oh, la di da, didi da, la la didi da, da dum.

Beam us away, transporter man,

Beam us away tonight,

'Cause we can go just about anywhere,

If you

Can get the sequence right.

Now Mort on Deck 15's a friend of mine,

Gets me my rations for free,

And he's quick with a joke or to put out some smoke,

But there's someplace that he'd rather be.

He says, "John, I believe this is killing me,"  
As the smile runs away from his face.

"I just know that I could be a philosopher,

If I could get out of this place."

And I see Harry, our version of Lazarus,

Compared to me he has a life,

He is talking to Tuvok,

About battles neither fought,

And about their make-believe toils and strife.

And the chef is, well, was practicing politics,

As the command team slowly get stoned.

Yeah, J. and C. share a drink they call loneliness,

But it's better than being alone.

Beam us away, transporter man,

Beam us away tonight,

We need more supplies right now,

'Cause the Borg are picking a fight.

It's a pretty good mission, this one today,

And the captain, she gives me a smile,

And I know it's me they've been waiting to see,

'Cause they were gone for an awfully long while.

And, oh, crap, Harry's dead again,

Get him to Sick Bay, J. says,

But C. says, Never mind,

He'll come back in time,

Again and again and again.

Beam us away, transporter man,

Beam us away tonight,

We're short on ensigns again,

And you've got us feelin' alright.

(Ends song)

You see, they only appreciate me after they're back from their away mission.

TVOTN: At least The Captain know your name. She calls me Jim. Jim's a GUY'S name. I'm a girl named Cato, for crying out loud. By the way, the command team isn't alone.

ENSIGN MULCHAEY: So, Cato, what are you doing Friday night?  
TVOTN: Absolutely nothing. A bit of narrating, maybe, but probably not much.

ENSIGN MULCHAEY: Third shift on Friday is my time off. I have some holodeck time. Want to join me? My friend Mort's coming, too. We plot to take over or at least get a real job. Mort, he does ventral maintenance.

TVOTN: That sounds o.k. I'll be there. See you Friday, John.

ENSIGN MULCHAEY: See you Friday, Cato.

__


	5. Quickie Little Away Mission

(Planetside. The away team has broken up into groups. THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY have gone off in one direction, BE'LANNA TORRES and HARRY KIM go off in another. The camera follows the command team.

THE CAPTAIN: What are we doing here again?

CHAKOTAY: Who really cares? Be'lanna and Kim will take care of it, let's go somewhere and talk for a while.

THE CAPTAIN: Talk about what?

CHAKOTAY: Oh, I don't know, getting home, life, the universe, everything, why the number forty-seven comes up so often in the readings…

THE CAPTAIN: Our discussion. Does it have to involve talking?

CHAKOTAY: (Grins.) No.

THE CAPTAIN: In that case, Away Mission Plan One-Alpha. (She takes off running.)

CHAKOTAY: (Follows.)

(Skew to HARRY KIM and BE'LANNA TORRES)

HARRY KIM: Well, what are we supposed to do?

BE'LANNA TORRES: Look for stupid people.

HARRY KIM: What about Momm- I mean, the Captain?  
BE'LANNA TORRES: She's busy.   
HARRY KIM: Oooh! Looky over there! (He goes over to a bush. It eats him.)

BE'LANNA TORRES: Damn. Now I have to find a new kitchen rat. Oh well. Whatever we get will suck anyways. Good thing I brought a good book. I'll just finish this until they get back, then run off and say I couldn't find anything. (Pulls out PADD, begins to read. Starts humming.)

BLACK CARD SAYING ONE HOUR LATER

(THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY run onto the scene. Hair: A mess. Uniforms: Disheveled. Rank Pins: Askew.)

THE CAPTAIN: Find anything?  
BE'LANNA TORRES: No. Harry got eaten by a bush.

CHAKOTAY: Of course. Four to beam up, and take Harry to Sick Bay.

__


	6. Just a Minute of Tom Paris being Annoyin...

BRIDGE

TVOTN: The stockings were hung on the railing with care, in hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there…

(THE CAPTAIN, CHAKOTAY, and BE'LANNA TORRES walk on to the bridge.)

CHAKOTAY: Well, we couldn't find a new kitchen rat.

TOM PARIS: Be'lanna!

BE'LANNA TORRES: Tom! (They share that little ritual greeting. Off THE CAPTAIN'S look.) What, we're married!

RANDOM GOLD SHIRT AT OPS: Where's Ensign Kim?  
THE CAPTAIN: Where do you think? It's the same place he is after EVERY away mission.

ALL: Sick Bay.

THE CAPTAIN: (Noticing the socks) What's with the socks?  
RANDOM GOLD SHIRT AT OPS: Chell. He's decided to take on Neelix's former position as morale officer and chef. He hung up our "stockings." He wanted some Christmas spirit, is all.

THE CAPTAIN: So long as he doesn't try to impersonate coffee with _leola_ root. Ugh. Be'lanna, you cover for Harry for a while. Tuvok, you have the bridge.

BE'LANNA TORRES: Someone's already cove- (Ops explodes, RANDOM GOLD SHIRT AT OPS dies.) Oh. Where are you going?

THE CAPTAIN: Ready room. I have some essays of Icheb's to grade, and performance reviews to do.

TOM PARIS: Didn't you do performance reviews a few days ago?  
THE CAPTAIN: I'm not finished. And I have some essays to grade. (Death glares TOM PARIS)

(THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY leave for the ready room. TOM PARIS makes smoochy noises.)

THE CAPTAIN: I heard that! Oh, by the way, I need to see the ALL senior staff in one hour. IN THE CONFERENCE ROOM, MR. PARIS!

TOM PARIS: Gee, how did she know what I was thinking?

BE'LANNA TORRES: The world may never know.

__


	7. Dear God Harry Sings

(The Conference Room. Senior Staff{THE CAPTAIN, CHAKOTAY, TOM PARIS, BE'LANNA TORRES, TUVOK, and HARRY KIM, with the addition of the new Morale Officer, CHELL} are assembled around the table.)

THE CAPTAIN: It's time to plan our annual Christmas, um, thingy. We do a different thing every year. I checked the schedule, and it was Neelix's turn to pick. That now falls to Mr. Chell. Chell?  
CHELL: (Holds up bag) We are doing Secret Santas. That means that each one of us draws a name out of the bag here, and doesn't tell anybody who they have. It is now twelve days to Christmas and counting.

HARRY KIM: Oooh! What if I'm like, Jewish? Then would it be Secret Chanukah Fairies?

THE CAPTAIN: Harry, you're not Jewish, and there is no Chanukah Fairy.

HARRY KIM: But, if there's no Chanukah Fairy, then who's the fourth member on Santa's bowling team?

BE'LANNA TORRES: _Santa_ has a _bowling team_?

HARRY KIM: Yep! He bowls twice a week with the Easter Bunny, Cupid, and the Chanukah Fairy, but if there is no Chanukah Fairy, then I don't know who else he bowls with.

BE'LANNA TORRES: You do realize, Harry, that none of those people are real?

HARRY KIM: Yes they are.

BE'LANNA TORRES: No, they're not.

HARRY KIM: Yes, they are.

BE'LANNA TORRES: No, they're not.

HARRY KIM: YES, THEY ARE!

BE'LANNA TORRES: Harry, I'm your friend. Have I ever lied to you?

HARRY KIM: No.

BE'LANNA TORRES: Then believe me now. There is no Santa, Tooth Fairy, Saint Patrick's Day Leprechaun, Easter Bunny, April Fool, Cupid, Chanukah Fairy, Birthday Boy/Girl/Transgender Species, Hallo-wiener-dog or any other Holiday Spirits.

HARRY KIM: Really?

BE'LANNA TORRES: Really.

HARRY KIM: I don't believe you! You're lying! (Begins to cry, gets up from the table, runs off…into a wall. He falls down.)

THE CAPTAIN: Tom, take him to-

TOM PARIS: Yeah, yeah, I know. Sick Bay.

(SICK BAY)

TOM PARIS drags HARRY KIM in.

TOM PARIS: (Bored) 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

HARRY KIM: (stands up) Ugh, where am I?

TOM PARIS: Sick Bay. Come on; let's get back to the meeting.

CONFERENCE ROOM

CHELL: All right, we're going to draw now. Harry, you're first. Don't tell anybody who you get.

(They proceed to draw. HARRY KIM gets TUVOK, TOM PARIS gets BE'LANNA TORRES, BE'LANNA TORRES gets CHELL, CHELL gets THE DOCTOR, THE DOCTOR gets HARRY KIM, and TUVOK gets TOM PARIS. THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY get each other.

THE DOCTOR: Damn!

TUVOK: Anybody want to trade?

THE DOCTOR: I do!

(They trade.)

THE DOCTOR: Damn!

TUVOK: Trade back!

(They trade again.)

THE CAPTAIN: And now it's time for the gold stars. Get fifty of them and you get a promotion. Let's see now, Tuvok, you get three stars for saving us from the mutant holo-tribbles, _WHICH TOM LET OUT_!

TUVOK: Thank you, Captain. It was nothing.

THE CAPTAIN: That puts you at thirty-seven. Be'lanna, you get twenty gold stars for telling us about Neelix's death, so you're at forty-five. Somebody wants to be a lieutenant commander pretty bad. Tom, you get one star for actually _eating_ that leola root pasta. You would've gotten more, but you were annoying, so you don't. You are now at negative seven. Only seven more stars before you can use the holodeck again. Doc, you get five for being a hologram, just to show I'm not racist, but you don't have a rank anyways, so you can't get a promotion. Chell, you get seven stars, because you will be a better morale officer than Fur-face ever was. Now, let me check, one hundred stars to the sheet and I gave out thirty-one, so Chakotay, you get sixty-nine stars because I like you, but no promotion because I don't have another ship, and I'm not risking you in a shuttle.

HARRY KIM: What about me?  
THE CAPTAIN: Sorry, Harry, no stars for you. I'm all out.

HARRY KIM: What! That's not fair! You just gave sixty-nine stars to somebody who you won't give a promotion to, and five to somebody- someTHING that can't even get a promotion! I'm a freaking ensign who dies for you people and the entertainment of the good people in the audience at least one, usually more, times per episode, and I don't even get one little star for it! Tom makes fun of you all the time, and _YOU STILL GAVE HIM A STAR_! It's not fair! I'm gonna run away! (He jumps up and begins to sing.)

_HARRY KIM: _I don't want to be an ensign,

I don't want to be dead,

Please pro-mo-te me!

(Clap, clap, clap)

I don't want to be an ensign,

I don't want to be dead,

Please pro-mo-te me!

(Clap, clap, clap)

Please pro-mote me,

Oh please promote me.

Seven years is too long a wait,

Please pro-mote me,

Yes, please promote me,

I should be a lieutenant junior grade.

I don't want to be an ensign,

I don't want to be dead,

Please pro-mo-te me!

(Clap, clap, clap)

I don't want to be an ensign,

I don't want to be dead,

Please pro-mo-te me!

(Clap, clap, clap)

Please pro-mote me,

Oh please promote me.

Seven years is too long a wait,

Please pro-mote me,

Yes, please promote me,

I should be a lieutenant junior grade.

I don't want to be an ensign,

I don't want to be dead,

Please pro-mo-te me!

(Clap, clap, clap)

I don't want to be an ensign,

I don't want to be dead,

Please pro-mo-te me!

_(Clap, clap, clap)_

THE CAPTAIN: Dear sweet mother of Jesus H. Christ on a raft, what the hell was that?

CHAKOTAY: Freaking disturbing is what.

THE CAPTAIN: Anyways, Harry, you're on a starship seven thousand light years away from home, and you can't take a shuttle away, because you don't have clearance. Where are you going to run to?

HARRY KIM: Good point. (He sits down.)

THE DOCTOR: I'm a doctor, not a _thing_.

THE CAPTAIN: Now, does anybody else have anything to say? Good, meeting adjourned.

EVERYBODY leaves the conference room and go back to their stations. BE'LANNA TORRES goes to ENGINEERING, and THE CAPTAIN and CHAKOTAY go to the ready room.

CHAKOTAY: So, who'd you get?  
THE CAPTIAN: I'm not telling.

CHAKOTAY: C'mon, Katie, you can tell me! Have I ever spilled a secret?  
THE CAPTAIN: No, but that doesn't mean I'll tell you! Tell me yours.

CHAKOTAY: No way!

THE CAPTAIN: Don't you trust me?  
CHAKOTAY: Of course I do, but this isn't about trust. It's well, about, oh forget it. Just drop it. Don't tell me yours and I won't tell you mine.

(There is a FLASH OF LIGHT. SIX INCHES OF SNOW appear on the floor. Q APPEARS.)

Q: Merry Christmas!

BE'LANNA TORRES: (Over com) Captain, six inches of snow have just appeared on the floor of Engineering. I'm getting reports that that's happened all over the ship.

THE CAPTAIN: It's here in my Ready Room, too. And that's not all that's in the Ready Room.  
BE'LANNA TORRES: Captain?  
CHAKOTAY: (Into the Captain's combadge) Q is back.

__


	8. Here There be Dragons

Q: Surprise, Madame Captain! And, what is it again, Chuckles?

CHAKOTAY: (Spitting fire.) It's Chakotay.

Q: (Dodges the flames) Aah! Whatever. Anyway, Merry Christmas!

THE CAPTAIN: Q, what are you doing here?  
Q: I'm just trying to spread holiday cheer. No, before you ask, I'm not taking you back to the alpha quadrant. In fact, that's the last place _you_ want to be.

THE CAPTAIN: What do you mean?  
Q: Kathy, I don't quite know how to tell you this. But I know someone who does. Where is that drone of yours, anyway?

THE CAPTAIN: She had a little accident with a photon burst.

Q: Well, I'll bring her back. Wait, no, I need to bring somebody else. She can tell you better than I. She was there when the Borg moved in. You see, she was visiting her godmother on Romulus when it happened. Ji'jara, I need you!

(There is another flash of light. A LAVENDER DRAGON emerges, wearing a RED STARFLEET UNIFORM.)  
Q: My niece, Her Royal Majesty Admiral Ji'jara Annelise Von Bronxdin De La Nascavara!

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: (To THE CAPTAIN) How do you do? (To CHAKOTAY) Facial art. How very…wilderness…of you.

Q: (proudly) She's the spitting image of her mother.

THE CAPTAIN: Q, how in bloody hell do you have a giant lizard for a niece? How in hell do you even have a niece?

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Stardragon, not lizard. I don't do that tongue thing. And I'm not his niece, technically. You see, I'm only half Stardragon. My mother was the Draconian Empress, and a Q fell for her. We're an enlightened race, strong ties to the Continuum, and so it wasn't that bad. He took on mortality for her. He was friends with Uncle Q here, and when my system was assimilated, his dying wish was for Q to raise me. And so here I am, the last member of the Draconian Royal Family.

THE CAPTAIN: I'm sorry, your majesty.

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Don't call me that. Anyway, there's no point going back to the alpha quadrant. It's all been assimilated.

THE CAPTAIN: No!

CHAKOTAY: You're joking.

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: A Starfleet Admiral NEVER jokes about things like that. (Off her look) Yes, Madame Captain, you are looking at the last Admiral in the universe as you know it. I went through the academy and I've been an admiral for a year and a half now.

Q: And, she escaped death by Borg in inescapable situations TWICE, and made peace with the Romulans, and developed telepathy, and can teleport anywhere, and has a steady boyfriend who will probably pop the question anytime now, AND is now the head of Starfleet, no offense, Kathy, but she does outrank you, AND-

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Uncle Q! Shut up! You're being an embarrassment to nature.

Q: AND she's only thirty-two of your human years old!

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: I am SO sorry about my uncle. He just doesn't know when to SHUT THE HELL UP!

THE CAPTAIN: It's O.K.

CHAKOTAY: No harm done.

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: I'm sorry about your quadran- wait a minute! You believe my uncle!  
THE CAPTAIN: Over the years, Q, you have been many things- a rude, interfering, inconsiderate, sadistic-

Q: Am I the only one picking up the déjà vu here?

THE CAPTAIN: _Pest_. And, you introduced us to the Borg, thank you very much.

Q: I'm REALLY starting to feel like I've seen this before.

THE CAPTAIN: But one thing you have never been is a liar.

Q: Cough, cough, Death Wish! Cough, cough!

THE CAPTAIN: And, however much you care to deny it, I know you care about Voyager.

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: The captain, more likely.

CHAKOTAY: That's my job!

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: (Poison honey.) Did I ever say otherwise?

THE CAPTAIN: And it's possible. Besides, I don't think anybody really wanted to go back. It's too much fun here, and if we went back to Starfleet, the Maquis crew members would have to go to prison, and that would be really bad. But I'll miss my dog though.

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Who says you can't have a dog?  
THE CAPTAIN: You have a dog?  
(Another FLASH OF LIGHT. From this one, a LIGHT BLUE DRAGON emerges. JI'JARA NASCAVARA runs over to him, jumps on him, licks his face, etc. She is obviously very happy to see him, and he does the same to her.)  
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Kaz! Madame Captain, Tattoo Boy, this is the love of my life, Kazon Solaris.

KAZON SOLARIS: (To THE CAPTAIN) Pleasure to make your acquaintance. (To CHAKOTAY) Facial art. How very…wilderness…of you.

CHAKOTAY: What is up with anything associated with the Continuum and my tattoo being "wilderness?

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: No, I don't have a dog.

THE CAPTAIN: But you said I could have one.

KAZON SOLARIS: You need to find an M-class planet to settle. Draconis Five is open. Nobody lived there anyways, so the Borg didn't assimilate it. You could settle there.

THE CAPTAIN: What about the dog?   
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: You have a dog. There.

THE CAPTAIN: That's my lo- I mean, First Officer. That's not a dog.

JI'JARA NASCAVARA: I'm beginning to think that dog means something else in your language.

CHAKOTAY: When will we be getting to this planet of ours?

KAZON SOLARIS: You'll be there in about a year.

THE CAPTAIN: Let me announce this turn of events to my crew. (She moves to hit her combadge.)  
CHAKOTAY: Wait, I'll get it. (He hits her combadge. Q and DRAGONS look on with mild interest.)  
Q: Ah, young love.

THE CAPTAIN: He's just a friend. (Over com) Attention all hands. This is the captain. The Alpha Quadrant has been assimilated, so we will be settling on Draconis Five. I have been assured this is true and the planet is M-class and open. No, I am not drunk or pulling a joke. I repeat, the Alpha Quadrant has been assimilated. Thank you, and have a nice day.

Q: Well, I guess we'd better be going.   
THE CAPTAIN: Wait, Q! What about the snow?  
Q: Consider it a Christmas present. Merry Christmas, Kathy!  
JI'JARA NASCAVARA: Merry Christmas, Madame Captain! Tattoo Boy, keep her warm! (She winks.)

CHAKOTAY: That's not funny!

KAZON SOLARIS: Merry Christmas!

(Three FLASHES OF LIGHT. Q, JI'JARA NASCAVARA, and KAZON SOLARIS disappear.)

THE CAPTAIN: Well, that's over.

CHAKOTAY: We're never going home, are we?

THE CAPTAIN: Nope.

CHAKOTAY: Oh, well. I was kind of screwed back there anyways. When we get to the planet, will we drop rank?  
THE CAPTAIN: I don't see why not.

CHAKOTAY: Yes!

THE CAPTAIN: Now, scoot! I have to do some Christmas replicating.

CHAKOTAY: Do I have to?  
THE CAPTAIN: It'll just take a minute. I'll call you back when I'm done.

CHAKOTAY: How about if I just shut my eyes?  
THE CAPTAIN: (Hands him a BLINDFOLD) Here, let me put this on you. (She puts it on him from behind, "accidentally" bumping him a bit.) Can you see?  
CHAKOTAY: No.

THE CAPTAIN: Good. (She goes over to the replicator and replicates something we can't see. It transports out to somewhere.) You can take it off now.

CHAKOTAY: I can't undo this knot.

THE CAPTAIN: You big baby. (She says this lovingly. She goes over to him and pulls it off, the knot coming undone in the process.)

CHAKOTAY: Now, you need to put it on. (He puts it on her, getting very, very close. He goes over to the replicator, and does something that is not replicating. We get the impression that he sent orders to another replicator.) Here, let me get it off of you.

(The two of them leave the Ready Room and go back to the Bridge. There is still six inches of snow on the ground. They sit down, and we skew to the Mess Hall. HARRY KIM, TOM PARIS, BE'LANNA TORRES, and CHELL are there.)

BE'LANNA TORRES: So, we're never going back, are we?

TOM PARIS: No. It's been assimilated.

HARRY KIM: Why?

CHELL: We have to blame the Borg. They did it.

BE'LANNA TORRES: No! (Begins to sing.) Times have changed, the Borg are getting worse!

TOM PARIS: They don't obey the Queen, they just assimilate and curse.

CHELL: Do we blame the Hive Mind or Hirogien society?

HARRY KIM: Or maybe the construction paper kids on Tom's TV?

BE'LANNA TORRES: No!

ALL: Blame Canada! Blame Canada! With their beady little eyes, and flapping heads all full of lies! Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

BE'LANNA TORRES: We need to launch a full assault, it's Canada's fault!

TOM PARIS: Don't blame me for the Borg of this land, they assimilated Canada and have re-formed the Hell's Drones Clan!

CHELL: And I knew a drone once who had the Queen's picture on his shelf, but last I heard he told her to assimilate herself!

ALL: Well, blame Canada! Blame Canada! It seems that everything's gone wrong since Canada came along! Blame Canada! Blame Canada!

HARRY KIM: What was their real purpose, anyways?

BE'LANNA TORRES: Planet Earth was flourishing, yes it's true, but then the Borg moved in and you've seen it, haven't you?

TOM PARIS: Should we blame the nanoprobes?

CHELL: Should we blame the Queen?

HARRY KIM: Or the drones who did the deed and were so mean?  
BE'LANNA TORRES: Hell no!

ALL: Blame Canada! Blame Canada! With all their hockey hullabaloo,

BE'LANNA TORRES: And that bitch Anne Murray too!

ALL: Blame Canada! Shame on Canada! We need to stop the smut, and bash the trash, the laughter and fun must all be undone, we need to blame them and raise a fuss before somebody thinks of blaming us!

BE'LANNA TORRES: How are we supposed to do that?

TOM PARIS: How should I know?

__


	9. Christmas Shopping and Party Prepping

(Skew to Holodeck. TOM PARIS, HARRY KIM, BE'LANNA TORRES, and CHELL are in there, working on settings for a Christmas party. So far they have a room that looks slightly Victorian. There is no snow on the ground inside the huge room. There is a snowy field outside, and a stable. It seems as if they are planning on sleigh rides. There is a dance floor, a fireplace, a long table, a big bay window, and an enormous Christmas tree.)  
VOTN: It's eleven days later, and tomorrow is Christmas Eve. Tom, Be'lanna, and Chell are actually working on the Christmas party settings, and they let Harry come along for the hell of it. Be'lanna just can't stand to see a grown man cry.

CHELL: I'm telling you, Be'lanna, I just don't think that gagh is acceptable for decoration.

BE'LANNA TORRES: All right, all right, we won't use that. But can we please use the moose head?

CHELL: O.K. Tom, put a moose head over the fireplace.

(A mounted MOOSE HEAD appears over the fireplace.)

TOM PARIS: Wait, let's make it funnier. Be'lanna, come here.

(She goes over to him. He whispers something in her ear, and she starts to laugh. She goes over and tells Chell, and he cracks up.)  
CHELL: Do it, Tom!

TOM PARIS: Will do.

(The MOOSE HEAD vanishes for a moment, then is replaced by the head of SEVEN OF NINE. The mouth is open, and there is an apple in it. There is a pair of TACKY INFLATABLE ANTLERS adorning the top of the head, and the hair is back.) TOM PARIS, CHELL, and BE'LANNA TORRES crack up, but HARRY KIM starts to cry.)  
HARRY KIM: That's not funny!  
TOM PARIS: You're right! It's HILARIOUS!

BE'LANNA TORRES: We're keeping that!

CHELL: Well, guys, this seems done. Let's call it a day.

TOM PARIS: You know, even though my entire family, not to mention all but under a hundred members of my species have been turned into mindless drones working for the source of the most ultimate evil in the entire galaxy, this'll be the best Christmas ever! All we need is some mistletoe, and I'm just going to put it up on the ceiling right…here. (A sprig of MISTLETOE appears over BE'LANNA TORRES'S head.) Uh-oh, looks like somebody's already under it! (He goes over to her. What follows is obvious. HARRY KIM looks on, jealous.)  
BE'LANNA TORRES: Stop it, stop it, stop it! (giggles) Now, Tommy, that's enough! We have to go back on duty! Oh all right, it's not enough. (They continue for a moment, then EVERYBODY leaves.)  
VOTN: Well, it's third shift on Friday. If you were paying attention, this is where I leave the story for a while. It's my turn on the holodeck now. John, Mort, and I are running a ship simulation where John's the Captain, I'm the Chief Engineer, and Mort gets to philosophize his little heart out as First Officer. Only, John and Mort won't be getting ANY ready room time. Now, I'm not saying Johnny won't be stopping down by engineering, but we do have a whole shift on this sucker. In the meantime, I won't be available for commentary, so we now move to Deck Three, Officer's Quarters. (Skew to an outside view of THE CAPTAIN'S Quarters. THE CAPTAIN is standing in front of them.) Let's stop now outside the quarters of Captain Janeway. Let's now watch her go in. After that, we're visiting Tuvok and the Doctor, and then we go to commercial.

THE CAPTAIN: Computer, open these doors, command code Janeway Pi Alpha Ro. (The doors open.) Man, I wish I didn't have to say that stupid code every time I wanted to get in. Nobody else has to! Oh, well. (She goes in. BLACK OUT. We are now in Tuvok's quarters.)

TUVOK: (On cell phone) No, dammit, I will NOT be going to any convention! No, you and Dad are fine! For God's sake, Mom, I'm not your little Timmy any more! Don't ever call me at work again! (Hangs up, turns to camera) AAAH! Damn, I wish that narrator didn't take breaks! Excuse me for a second. (He clears his throat, and begins to pace.) I have no reasonable idea of what sort of gift to give to Lieutenant Paris. He is an illogical person with no exact preferences for any one thing. It is illogical to give him toys, as he is an adult, although that may be appropriate. How about food? Computer, please list food items that are traditionally given at Christmas.

COMPUTER VOICE (CV): Candy.

TUVOK: No. He would forget to sanitize his teeth afterwards. They would rot out of his thick skull in one week.

CV: Chocolates.

TUVOK: No. Much too intimate.

CV: Fruitcake.

TUVOK: Fruitcake? Computer, please define "fruitcake."  
CV: Fruitcake is a traditional Earth delicacy consumed mainly in the month of December. It is usually hard, dark, and sticky. Fruitcake has small pieces of dried fruits in it, hence the name. It is also known as dried fruit bread or fruit ring.

TUVOK: Computer, what does the average child have to say about fruitcake?  
CV: Children find fruitcake a mystery. It is hard to cut, and tastes unreasonably nasty. They find it hard to believe that something called cake, a food known to be delicious, could have the texture and taste of dog shit.

TUVOK: That's perfect for Mister Paris! (He goes over to the replicator.) Computer, one Earth Fruitcake. (It appears.) Eww! Computer, one large box of tinfoil. (The tinfoil appears. He takes the fruitcake and wraps it in the tinfoil. The entire roll of tinfoil.) Computer, a marker please. (A permanent marker appears. He sniffs it.) Ahhhhh. (He begins to write on the tinfoil.) To The Ship Idiot. Oops. To Mister Paris. From Mister Tuvok. And now to put it under the tree. (He walks to the turbolift.) Deck four. (After a minute, the lift stops. He gets out and walks to the holodeck, fruitcake under his arm. He walks in and places it under the tree. There are several gifts under the tree already. He leaves. BLACKOUT. We are now in Sickbay. THE DOCTOR is in there, and he is on the table with a holographic female who looks like SEVEN OF NINE, speaking in her voice. We'll call her SEVEN OF NINE.)  
THE DOCTOR: Who's your holographic daddy, who's your holographic daddy?  
SEVEN OF NINE: Oooh! You are, you are!

THE DOCTOR: (Turns his head, notices camera) Oh my God! Computer, delete holographic female! (SEVEN OF NINE vanishes.) Damn, I wish we had our narrator! Just a tic. (He begins to pace.) Why did I have to get Harry Kim? I'm a doctor, not Santa Claus! Why couldn't I get someone who is easy to replicate for? If I give him food, he'll choke. If I give him anything else, it will explode in his face and cause me extra work. I need something safe but fun. I know! He's like a small child, so I'll give him a rubber chicken. That can't hurt him!   



	10. Commercial Break

Commercial. We see an Adult Swim type slide show. (Jingle Bells plays in background.)

CARD ONE: Wishlist Excerpts from The Voyager Crew.

CARD TWO: Coffee. Available from Starbucks.

CARD TWO: Real food. Available from the green grocers.

CARD THREE: Moonshine. Available from any redneck south of the Mason-Dixon line.

CARD FOUR: Rubber? Available from… Troy?

CARD FIVE: Didn't know that Troy had any major exports.

CARD SIX: Bloodwine. Available from Q'onos.

CARD SEVEN: Romulan Ale. Available only on Romulus.

CARD EIGHT: A Puppy. Available from a bitch. Except I don't think Seven carries them.

CARD NINE: Lingerie. Available from Victoria's Secret.

CARD TEN: A visit from Santa Clause.

CARD ELEVEN: The Captain to really be happy and stop missing Earth. Or a McLaren F1. Leather interior. Chrome trim. Heated seats. Spinner rims. A reality check. Available from McLaren. Well, the car anyway.

CARD TWELVE: Medicine, particularly antidotes to hangovers. Replicated, not home-brew.

CARD THIRTEEN: Something that isn't socks. Please don't let it be socks. Anything but socks.

CARD FOURTEEN: These were taken from the wish lists of The Captain, Chell, Tom Paris, Tom Paris, Tom Paris, Tom Paris, The Captain, Be'lanna Torres, Harry Kim, Chakotay, the Doctor, and Tuvok. In that order.

CARD FIFTEEN: Tom Paris wrote a lot of lists.

__


	11. Harry Learns the Horrible Truth

(We are on the HOLODECK. TUVOK, BE'LANNA TORRES, TOM PARIS, HARRY KIM, THE DOCTOR, CHAKOTAY, THE CAPTAIN, and CHELL are in there. The party is full blown now, and the table is LOADED with food. We're talking whole targs, ducks, turkeys, chickens, the whole lot of it. They are talking, drinking, dancing, making out under the mistletoe, admiring SEVEN OF NINE'S HEAD on the wall, etc. CHELL taps his glass.)  
CHELL: And now it's time to open our gifts.

(They proceed over to the tree. They settle down in chairs. Only CHELL remains standing. CHELL starts to pass out gifts, but a flash of light interrupts. Q appears, dressed like Santa Claus. He has a sleigh pulled by eight miniature rein…dragons.)  
Q: On Strider, on Samwise, on Bilbo and Frodo! On Sauron, on Gandalf, on Arwen and Mordor! Ho, ho, hey, there's a ho's head over the fireplace! Merry Christmas, Voyager!

THE CAPTAIN: Q?

CHAKOTAY: Strider?  
BE'LANNA TORRES: Samwise?  
TOM PARIS: Bilbo?  
CHELL: Frodo?  
THE DOCTOR: Sauron?  
TUVOK: Gandalf?

THE CAPTAIN: Arwen and Mordor?  
HARRY KIM: (Runs to hug him) Santa! I knew you were real! Be'lanna told me you were fake, but I knew you were real! Santa, where's Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, and Blitzen? Wait a minute! Those aren't eight tiny reindeer! Those are dragons! Oh my God, they ate the reindeer!  
Q: Sorry, but all Paramount's beastmaster had were Shetland Reindragons. And she's a Lord of the Rings nut, too. That's so obvious, Picard and his lackeys would have figured that out.

THE CAPTAIN: Q, we're stranded in the Delta Quadrant and will never be going back. How are we supposed to keep up on the latest Oscar winners?

Q: Sorry, ma cherie, but I forgot.

THE CAPTAIN: Don't call me that. Anyways, why are you here, Q?

HARRY KIM: That's not Q, that's Santa!  
THE CAPTAIN: Harry, it's Q.

HARRY KIM: No, it's not.  
THE CAPTAIN: Yes, it is.

HARRY KIM: No, it's not!

THE CAPTAIN: Yes, Harry, it is.

HARRY KIM: Why does nobody believe in Santa?  
Q: Because he's not real.

HARRY KIM: Santa, you're standing here talking to me and you're telling me you're not real?  
Q: It's me, Q. I just wanted to spread a little holiday cheer. THERE IS NO SANTA.

HARRY KIM: I don't believe you! Waaaaaaaah!

Q: Here, here's a candy cane.

HARRY KIM: Oooooh! (He immediately unwraps it and sucks on it for a while. He is mollified.)  
Q: Holy evil terrier dogs, it didn't kill him. Well, I need to be going. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Goodbye, Voyager! (Q, the sleigh, and STRIDER, SAMWISE, BILBO, FRODO, SAURON, GANDALF, ARWEN, and MORDOR disappear in a flash of light.)

CHELL: As I was saying, before I was interrupted, the first gift is for the Doctor. (He goes over to THE DOCTOR and hands him a wrapped gift.) Here you go, Doc. From me to you.

THE DOCTOR: (opens gift, looks inside.) The antidote to post-digestion leola root poisoning! Chell, I ran out of this and haven't been able to replicate it for weeks! How did you know?  
CHELL: I'm a Bolian. Trust me, I know. Next up is Harry Kim. Harry, the Doctor got you a present. (He gives HARRY KIM a green bag.)

HARRY KIM: Oh boy!!! (He opens the gift.) Wow! A rubber chicken! (The chicken comes to life and strangles HARRY KIM until death. THE DOCTOR puts him to one side.)  
THE DOCTOR: He'll come back. He always does. (HARRY KIM comes back to life)

CHELL: All righty, looks like I'm next. (He picks up a red box.) Oh, Lieutenant Torres, thanks. Man, this is heavy. (He opens it.) Wow! Fifty pounds of fresh ingredients! This will be helpful! Thank you, Lieutenant.

BE'LANNA TORRES: It was nothing.

CHELL: Well, Be'lanna, your gift is right here. Your husband got this for you, so it may not be appropriate- (He is interrupted as she rips into the gift, Klingon-style and impales HARRY KIM with the bow.)

HARRY KIM: Aaaaaaaaah!

TOM PARIS: Use it well.

BE'LANNA TORRES: Tom, what is this? (She holds up an interesting piece of clothing.) This better not be what I think it is.

TOM PARIS: Don't worry, darling, it is.

BE'LANNA TORRES: We'll just have to see if you got your rations' worth. Later. (She kisses him.) Thank you.

TOM PARIS: Thank _you_.

CHELL: It's your turn now, Tom. (He hands TOM PARIS the fruitcake.)

TOM PARIS: Gee, thanks, Tuvok. I wonder what this is. (He unwraps it.) Oh my God! It's a piece of shit! I mean, Oh my God! It's a piece of poo! See, I did it right, Mr. Mackey. Put down the cattle prod!

TUVOK: You are incorrect. It is a fruitcake, Mr. Paris. Fruitcake is a traditional gift given in the month of December in human cultures.

TOM PARIS: Can I eat it?  
TUVOK: No. Scientific studies have proven that fruitcake, while suitable for use as part of a set of weights, has no edible properties.

TOM PARIS: Sounds like leola root pasta. Oh well. I can't screw it, and I can't lose it in uncharted space, and I only know how to do three things. I have to pick one. (He takes a bite.) Hey, I can't eat this! I can't even take a bite. (He plays with the fruitcake, like a small child.)

THE CAPTAIN: Tuvok, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.

CHELL: Tuvok, here's Harry's gift to you. (He hands TUVOK a decorated paper sack.)

TUVOK: Oh dear. (He opens it.) Socks. Thank you, Harry.

CHELL: Chakotay, here's your gift. (He hands him a rather large and awkward package, carefully wrapped.)

CHAKOTAY: I honestly don't know what this is. (He unwraps it and opens it. Inside is a box. He continues, finding more and more boxes until he is left with a box the size of a recipe box.) Now I KNOW what this is. Katie, where did you get it?

THE CAPTAIN: Admiral Nascavara helped me. Apparently she collects antiques. Go on, open it!

CHAKOTAY: (Pulls out a set of car keys. Reading the key.) McLaren. Hot damn! This will be _GREAT_. One thing, Katie.

THE CAPTAIN: And what's that?  
CHAKOTAY: _You're_ riding shotgun this time, baby!

THE CAPTAIN: Anything. (She kisses his cheek.)

CHAKOTAY: And now it's your turn. (He pulls out a big box.) Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

THE CAPTAIN: Oooh! (She rips into the box, rather carefully. She puts her head in and starts squealing at something that is unknown to us. She pulls it out.) A puppy!

THE PUPPY: Arf! (Licks THE CAPTAIN's face. CHAKOTAY gets a semi-jealous look on his face, but it soon passes. A camera flash is heard, then the scene falls down like a picture.)

VOTN: Yes indeedy, A Very Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night! Get some sleep! Remember, spay and neuter your pilots, and don't consume Romulan ale and fly! Be kind to your vegetarians, especially those who want to spread Christmas cheer in return for some coffee! Bye-bye now! Have a good time! And if you see a sign on any ship that says "Baby on Board," hunting season's open!

(HEAR END THEME)

VOICE OF THE CAPTAIN: Wait a minute, Chakotay. Where did you find a dog?

(BLACK SCREEN)


End file.
